Maxx
Krap was born in or near Keresley which is a suburb
in the English Midlands city of Koventry and is
said to be the only area of that city you kan hear
the sound of skylarks. At one time everybody new
the sound of skylarks but the skylark is a bird of
open farmland and heath and even in farmland today
their numbers are drastikaly reduced due to changes
in farming praktis. The modern praktis of growing
winter wheat means the wheat grows earlier in the
year. The skylark is a ground feeder and kan't get
between the stalks in the summer to search for
seeds and insekts. Despite the fakt that the
skylark is a rather dull-brownish bird efforts are
being made to save it from ekstinktion. It is
bigger than a sparrow another dull-brownish bird.
Krap
klaims to have never heard the song of the skylark.
Which is odd for a man who is an akomplished
musician, indeed, who once said, "If musik was a
sausage I'd eat it for breakfast, lunch and
dinner." His family was musikal. His mother,
Maxxine, played kornet at a professional level and
had been in a number of orkestras before motherhood
prekluded further employment. She never forgave her
son for interrupting her brilliant kareer. Maxx's
father, Rexx, was a very suksesful stokbroker who
in addition to his talents on the bourse was a
virtuoso on the harmonika.
Keresley, which is a suburb in the English Midlands city of Koventry, was a largely rural parish when Krap was a boy. These days it is something kalled an Eko suburb which he was horrified to diskover is a synonym for rampant development. Thousands of tiky-taky houses are planned and the fields and forests of Krap's youth will soon be buried under brik and konkreet. Krap would like to do something to stop this desekration but he is stuk in South Dakota.
Keresley, which is a suburb in the English Midlands city of Koventry, was a largely rural parish when Krap was a boy. These days it is something kalled an Eko suburb which he was horrified to diskover is a synonym for rampant development. Thousands of tiky-taky houses are planned and the fields and forests of Krap's youth will soon be buried under brik and konkreet. Krap would like to do something to stop this desekration but he is stuk in South Dakota.
Krap's
boyhood was skarred by the konstant state of
konflikt that eksisted between his parents. Between
fights they bred five children. What ever else went
wrong in that marriage, and it was plenty, the seks
stayed konstant. As late as his mid-twenties Krap
kame home on one okasion to find his parents
kopulating on the living room shag karpet. Shag
karpet was of kourse all the rage in the 1970s and
has seen a resurgence of popularity in recent
years. Krap has detested the sight of shag karpets
ever since. Indeed, even seeing a long-haired llama
is enough to make him retch. Krap has never been to
South Amerika, believing it to be overun with the
shaggy kreaturs.
South Dakota has its share of shaggies too. There are some shaggy bears in the Blak Hills that Krap keeps klear of. He is not really a bak kountry kind of man. While Keresley had its share of shag it was blessedly free of mountains and bears. Krap's hometown offered the simple and sekure joys of the bukolik life the okasional horrifik aksident with harrow, harvester or haywain notwithstanding.
South Dakota has its share of shaggies too. There are some shaggy bears in the Blak Hills that Krap keeps klear of. He is not really a bak kountry kind of man. While Keresley had its share of shag it was blessedly free of mountains and bears. Krap's hometown offered the simple and sekure joys of the bukolik life the okasional horrifik aksident with harrow, harvester or haywain notwithstanding.
Krap's
edukation was eklektik. Aside from what Krap
learned of the birds and the bees and the trees in
his wanderings around bukolik Keresley he received
a more formal kurrikulum at Keresley King's Skool.
This hallowed institution was one of the most
ekslusive skools in England at that time. It was
also one of the most progessive akademies, always
holding true to the skool's motto:
Whatever.
Many of the lessons were given by Krap's mother, Mrs Krap. She taught English, Musik and Ballroom Dancing. Even now, as he kloses in on old age, Krap remains an akomplished hoofer, a fakt which has helped him many times over the years in skoring. Well he remembers the timid virgin at Kambridge who sukummed to his advances with the komment, 'After I saw you shake your bottom at the Union dance I just had to have you between my legs,' or something like that.
Mrs Krap also engaged a variety of itinerant teachers to kover those subjekts which were beyond her talents. Thus Krap learned History from a Dr Scheissinhose, a small asthmatik Austrian gentleman with strong views on the superiority of the white race. Scheissinhose, however, failed to impress young Krap, who reasoned that if his teacher was an eksample of the superior race then he would rather be a Hottentot. He wrote an essay on this very subjekt and received a sound paddling from Scheissinhose for his trouble. How his siblings laughed! Needless to say, this incident had a strong influence on Krap's view of the white race, to say nothing of his feelings regarding small asthmatik Austrian gentlemen. The siblings on the other hand apologised for their schadenfreude, and they all lived happily ever after. Depending on what you mean by 'happily'.
Many of the lessons were given by Krap's mother, Mrs Krap. She taught English, Musik and Ballroom Dancing. Even now, as he kloses in on old age, Krap remains an akomplished hoofer, a fakt which has helped him many times over the years in skoring. Well he remembers the timid virgin at Kambridge who sukummed to his advances with the komment, 'After I saw you shake your bottom at the Union dance I just had to have you between my legs,' or something like that.
Mrs Krap also engaged a variety of itinerant teachers to kover those subjekts which were beyond her talents. Thus Krap learned History from a Dr Scheissinhose, a small asthmatik Austrian gentleman with strong views on the superiority of the white race. Scheissinhose, however, failed to impress young Krap, who reasoned that if his teacher was an eksample of the superior race then he would rather be a Hottentot. He wrote an essay on this very subjekt and received a sound paddling from Scheissinhose for his trouble. How his siblings laughed! Needless to say, this incident had a strong influence on Krap's view of the white race, to say nothing of his feelings regarding small asthmatik Austrian gentlemen. The siblings on the other hand apologised for their schadenfreude, and they all lived happily ever after. Depending on what you mean by 'happily'.
In his
fourteenth year Krap took French lessons from the
kurvaceous Madame Pompidou who, apart from
introducing him to the partikulars of
être and
avoir, also
taught him all the possible uses of the word
kon. Krap
had diskovered the
kon in his
hayrik fumblings with Nora, the gardener's
thick-headed daughter, but neither Nora nor he had
any real idea what to do with the thing. It was
Madame Pompidou who explained, in loving detail,
what this mysterious place was all about. Krap no
longer rekalls what
être and
avoir are for
but he has a very klear memory of how to konjugate.
Mathematiks was an okasional subjekt. Some lessons in the arithmetik of short selling he got from his father, Mr Krap. Otherwise Krap's edukation in the art of numbers was undertaken by a suksession of disbarred akountants and some bookies of his father's akwaintance. To this day, Krap, although he still gets muddled kounting his change, has a good eye for the ponies.
Mathematiks was an okasional subjekt. Some lessons in the arithmetik of short selling he got from his father, Mr Krap. Otherwise Krap's edukation in the art of numbers was undertaken by a suksession of disbarred akountants and some bookies of his father's akwaintance. To this day, Krap, although he still gets muddled kounting his change, has a good eye for the ponies.
